On resilience
I teach for a living and I see my students at the best of times and the worst of times. Reflecting on our shared experiences, I have translated some of these lessons to my life with my child, which I hope will help him with his journey in life.
1. Failure is not a thing to be feared. The adjunct to this is that being the best is not a given and, although we always try our best, we accept that our best may not always be enough. The process is as important as the end point, because we learn from the process. It feels bad to fail but it will pass if we learn to weather it. In the end we are but a small part of the universe and what feels big for us is small to the universe. Humans like to blow their own trumpet and make the things we do sound great, our achievements sound grand, we celebrate greatness, but what does it really mean in the grand scheme of things? Probably not that much. The thing is, as parents we want the best for our children and that can translate in to pushing them to succeed. We celebrate their successes and then it can be all about the success. We brush the failures aside but the failures are important too, arguably more important. Those lessons if not started early, become harder with time. Those lessons if not learnt in the safety of home, become perilous and lonely ones to learn alone.
2. Earn the things that you want. All children ask for toys. We use this as an opportunity to teach Baby the value of things. We don't make him work for everything he wants but we do make him work for the toys that he wants. We operate a points system whereby good deeds and good actions lead to the award of points; bad deeds and bad actions lead to the deduction of points. Each toy is valued differently and Baby earns the points needed for any particular toy. Occasionally when he has been exceptionally diligent or if he did something extraordinarily kind, we surprise him with the award of bonus points which may lead to the early acquisition of what he wants. We do this because we don't want him to think that things come easily, they don't appear at the snap of his fingers, but he (like all of us) needs to work for what he wants. Helping him build a healthy work ethic is helping him prepare for life ahead. Reassuring him that all we ask is for him to try his best, that things go up and can come down, but that is OK, we just keep working/finding ways towards our goal. Occasionally he changes his mind before he attains his goal- he no longer wants toy X but he wants toys Y instead. That is OK too, it happens in life but has he weighed up the pros and cons carefully? Once he has spent his hard earned points on Y, he will need to start accumulating points again to get X if he finds he has made a mistaken choice, so he will need to wait longer- is he sure? Learning to evaluate and make compromises are important lessons.
3. It is OK to be sad. Life is generally OK and Baby's life is generally happy. However, we do not shield him excessively from that which may make him sad. Life is full of ups and downs and I would much rather he experienced the good and the bad with support from us than to have to go through it on his own, at least while he's learning how to navigate the lows. It is about developing coping mechanisms. If we start with the small bad things, we may be able to build up a strategy that can be adapted for bigger bad things. I guess what I am saying is that each adverse event is an opportunity for building resilience. So far it has worked quite well. Our lives are quite stable and, touch wood, Baby doesn't have big worries other than what I would consider the normal challenges of growing up. There are occasions when he is completely, blissfully happy- and his happiness is a joy to witness- and there are the odd times when he is unhappy, e.g. he had had a disagreement with a friend at school, or a pet fish died, or a friend is moving away. We talk through these times and we talk about feeling unhappy and how that is a part of life. I am sure there will be times in the future when the unhappiness will be greater but we will help him negotiate that. The idea is not to shield him from all but to be with him as he goes through these experiences, lead by example where appropriate.
There is much talk of snowflakes, sky-rocketing rates of mental health problems and suicide rates in higher education, etc. Whatever the reasons for the problems we currently see in young people, helping build resilience will hopefully help mitigate against some of the challenges.
1. Failure is not a thing to be feared. The adjunct to this is that being the best is not a given and, although we always try our best, we accept that our best may not always be enough. The process is as important as the end point, because we learn from the process. It feels bad to fail but it will pass if we learn to weather it. In the end we are but a small part of the universe and what feels big for us is small to the universe. Humans like to blow their own trumpet and make the things we do sound great, our achievements sound grand, we celebrate greatness, but what does it really mean in the grand scheme of things? Probably not that much. The thing is, as parents we want the best for our children and that can translate in to pushing them to succeed. We celebrate their successes and then it can be all about the success. We brush the failures aside but the failures are important too, arguably more important. Those lessons if not started early, become harder with time. Those lessons if not learnt in the safety of home, become perilous and lonely ones to learn alone.
2. Earn the things that you want. All children ask for toys. We use this as an opportunity to teach Baby the value of things. We don't make him work for everything he wants but we do make him work for the toys that he wants. We operate a points system whereby good deeds and good actions lead to the award of points; bad deeds and bad actions lead to the deduction of points. Each toy is valued differently and Baby earns the points needed for any particular toy. Occasionally when he has been exceptionally diligent or if he did something extraordinarily kind, we surprise him with the award of bonus points which may lead to the early acquisition of what he wants. We do this because we don't want him to think that things come easily, they don't appear at the snap of his fingers, but he (like all of us) needs to work for what he wants. Helping him build a healthy work ethic is helping him prepare for life ahead. Reassuring him that all we ask is for him to try his best, that things go up and can come down, but that is OK, we just keep working/finding ways towards our goal. Occasionally he changes his mind before he attains his goal- he no longer wants toy X but he wants toys Y instead. That is OK too, it happens in life but has he weighed up the pros and cons carefully? Once he has spent his hard earned points on Y, he will need to start accumulating points again to get X if he finds he has made a mistaken choice, so he will need to wait longer- is he sure? Learning to evaluate and make compromises are important lessons.
3. It is OK to be sad. Life is generally OK and Baby's life is generally happy. However, we do not shield him excessively from that which may make him sad. Life is full of ups and downs and I would much rather he experienced the good and the bad with support from us than to have to go through it on his own, at least while he's learning how to navigate the lows. It is about developing coping mechanisms. If we start with the small bad things, we may be able to build up a strategy that can be adapted for bigger bad things. I guess what I am saying is that each adverse event is an opportunity for building resilience. So far it has worked quite well. Our lives are quite stable and, touch wood, Baby doesn't have big worries other than what I would consider the normal challenges of growing up. There are occasions when he is completely, blissfully happy- and his happiness is a joy to witness- and there are the odd times when he is unhappy, e.g. he had had a disagreement with a friend at school, or a pet fish died, or a friend is moving away. We talk through these times and we talk about feeling unhappy and how that is a part of life. I am sure there will be times in the future when the unhappiness will be greater but we will help him negotiate that. The idea is not to shield him from all but to be with him as he goes through these experiences, lead by example where appropriate.
There is much talk of snowflakes, sky-rocketing rates of mental health problems and suicide rates in higher education, etc. Whatever the reasons for the problems we currently see in young people, helping build resilience will hopefully help mitigate against some of the challenges.
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